| recent events |
[31 Jan 2008|04:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
I know I have been neglecting my live journal(as usaul) but this is where I go to post what I can't say to everyone else. Recently (a few months ago) I was asto enter into a relationship with someone I've been friends with for some years. I never expected him to take our devious flirtations to that level. In all honesty I thought that because he lives overseas I could keep him at bay and protect myself from the pitfall that is a relationship. Alas I have caved and decided to give it a try. He and I have connected on several levels and I think I may be falling for him. I found myself crying tears of joy over the prospect today as his visit draws near. I'm frightened to fall head over heels n love with anyone. I've been an intolerable bitch to most to avoid this type of situation but here I am wondering if I'm even good enough for him. I know that I'm a catch for some (fuck that for most) but I feel like such a girl at this moment because I've closed myself off for so many years now, and all of a sudden I find myself wondering why not? what have I got to lose? I'm actually hoping things work out with us because we are so much alike. I'm scared to feel. I know that sounds bad but when you've been burnt in as many ways as I have been you grow a thick skin and keep distance from these situations. I do feel forhim so much it hurts and frightens me so. my head and world are spinning and I won't be able to stop it until he arrives. Now I wait with such a level of anticipation. my nerves are shot. maybe I'm making too much of this. when it comes to relationships I normally do. I hate the way I feel right now I'm so nervous. I don't know if I can do this again
|
|
| this needs to go in the chapter entitled "things that can only happen to me |
[04 Feb 2007|10:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
well to let you all know why I'll be so very silent for some time.... I'm finding it a bit hard to type whilst broken. I went to the marquee... details will be better once healed. I then went to pick up a friend at Snitch and returned to the marquee.... where we enjoyed the rest of our evening and ended the night. afterward we were walking to the car to return home and as we crossed the street I turned to speak to Asif for a sec as I reached the curb. That's when a truck passed by and my vertigo kicked in.... so I got dizzy and fell.... my right hand much more fucked than the left. I have broken my index and middle finger and sprained my wrist and thumb. It was bound to happen though. I've taken great care to not let my stupid vertigo affect me when out lately.... but now it has and it has put me out of commission. this once again goes into the chapter of things that can only happen to me! Because yes only I can truly abuse me... I mean others have tried but I'm most successful at these endeavors. I will be back in touch once the hand is a bit more mobile.... thanks to those who have shown their concern this time, but it really isn't necessary, seeing as how I'll probably break me again before the end of the year!
|
|
| 5 years ago today |
[03 Dec 2006|04:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I recieved a phone call at 4:35 PM that shook my world. I've yet to get over that day. It replays vividly in my mind. My ex-husband's (then husband's) jaw dropped as he grasped my hand and pulled me into an embrace as he dropped the phone to the ground. He whispered " honey it's your mom." I was instantly lost. one of the few constants in my life gone just like that. I was supposed to take my then newborn to see her before it happened. Cancer took her from us so quickly. From the day we found out it only took 4 months to eat away at her. She died thinking that I had fucked her ex (which never happened). I jus wished she had been able to believe me. She died thinking I was happy in a (loveless & faithless) marriage. She had no clue... there were so many things I wish I could have done and said before she died that I'll never get back. As I sink back into my anual pit of self destruction I tell you all this... if there's anyone that you truly love, tell them so, and be honest at all times. It may not keep them around, but at least it won't haunt you when they die like it does with me. My black day is only compounded by my very recent cancer scare.... still won't be sure what's up until test results come in. Honestly I'm just feeling like a frightened little child. Those of you who know about my surgery now know a little more background. I honestly wish I had my mom here to hold my hand and tel me everything will be alright but she beat me to it.... and I may just be joining her soon enough... I can only hope that when I do go I've left a deep enough impression on my children that they can remember me half as fondly as I remember her. I sit and listen to my momma's music today, it may not be my usual ass kickin shit, but it's what made my momma smile and dance and that's all I want to remember today! Fuck it I'll say it I miss my fuckin' mommy!!!
|
|
| Countdown |
[17 Oct 2006|11:08am] |
|
to my international whoredom!I will be in the UK in March!!! wooohooo!!!!!
|
|
| amusing musings |
[28 Aug 2006|02:04pm] |
I've been neglecting my journals lately. As is the case when I'm either sick or busy... I have however in my fevered state been maintaining several amusing flirtations online. which is always fun... but it's time to get back to my "Real World"... ugh.... work ,sick, work while sick, and more events coming up.... I had gotten some faulty inof earlier this week that my club was closing for good.... the club I go to to vamp out and have fun.... when the rest of my (yes very separate) lives are driving me insane.... however they are just changing the night is all... I would have breathed a sigh of relief at that moment, if a shot weren't being poured down my throat.... 2 nights filled with random hotties to look at. The only problem is that all the hot ones were taken by ugly chicks.... ugh!!!
I am like I said holding rando, the problem is none of them are local... actually the majority of them are abroad... and indigenous to the area..... grrrr oh how sad I am.... I still have yet to cave for a random romp with a less than pretty unamusing person.... the real world suks... therefore I rejoin my networld... it's much more amusing here!
|
|
| Help Me!!!!! I've been taken hostage by my kids... |
[12 Jun 2006|09:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
I somehow spent a wonderful weekend (very eventful) with my children. I have not quite slept yet.... days melting into weekends... grrr then come to find out my bronchitis is back in full force which scared my kids to the opoint that I am now on such a high level of restriction. they won't even allow me out of my room to make soup..... I've been taken captive and shackled to my PC since I can type while laying down....... and I'm running out of southern Comfort...... grrrrr damned kids and their overprotective ways.....
if anyone can find a way to break me out of my house I would be a very happy camper!!!!!
I swear I'm gonna break out before long and find me a liquor store to live in until this blows over....
|
|
| funny how things work out |
[30 May 2006|11:25am] |
|
just as one brit disappears from my life for a while another crawls back from the woodworks..... I'm glad to be in touch with them...... but I'm still worried about Chris. I can only hope things are going well for him.
|
|
| gravity sux |
[21 May 2006|05:23pm] |
|
so once again .... I grrrrr!!!!!!! Gravity keeps finding a way to sneak up and kick my ass.... Damned Vertigo!!!! My kids came in last night and we went to the Kids Next door studio.... they had a blast... got toys... and ate.... then we made our long weary way home.... the trekk which included 2 trains and some walking was not too easy on my sis and self..... We got back in one piece. We even ran into my eldest child upon our return.... which as chance would have never happens. So we entered the building and proceeded upstairs to the apartment... that's when fates cruel joke would surface.... The kids made it into the apartment... thanks to the Sidhe.... as I am topping off the last few stairs my face and stairs met with such wicked harshness. Having been in many a bar fight I have felt worse.... but rarely have I ever looked it. Guess the tattoo convention wasn't for me this year.... if my face can stop swelling and I look less like "Jessica Rabbit" as I was so kindly refferred to.... once again Thanks Sidhe! maybe I can make the oublic appearance... if not I apologize now.... but this is my luck however...... what's worse is that on my now fat lip... I also recieved a mosquito bite.... Life sucks... Gravity sucks..... and I must conclude this semi intellectual recap of last nights hijinx with a definitive GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
| Life's been good, |
[17 May 2006|10:06pm] |
or better really.... Gerson's back in town. Feels good to have my big brother back. Just knowing he's blocks away, makes me feel better. The sleepless nights have minimized somewhat... I still can't shake stupids feelings of terror when I wake tho... Glad Val's been on the couch, she's been my guardian angel.... Without her I wouldn't remember to eat.... or get out of bed really.
She made my mother's day happen for real... I just wish I could have returned the favor for her.... since she is the other mother of my children after all...
|
|
| Thank you Brooklyn!!!!!! |
[10 May 2006|09:26pm] |
well as some of you may know... I lost all of my IDs at the protest Saturday..... after all of the footwork I have done since and hours spent and wasted on hold getting disconnected repeatedly, cancelling my bank card and other important shit.... I recieved an envelope in the mail today. It contained all of my IDs, which of course are now useless.... The return address simply read Brooklyn.... as if I were going to chase them down for the cigarettes and $40.... I was just so happy to not have to wait at the department of Motor Vehicles for hours to replace my License I would have gladly given them the money for having found my stuff and returned it saving me the drama I have been thru for the last 4 days
after all of this I keep finding myself shouting out like some rock star on crack.... "Thank You Brooklyn"
|
|
| so the time has come |
[15 Apr 2006|06:02pm] |
|
My birthday,.... cursed day has come around again.... I started today with noone to spend it with.... now I have an abundance of dates for said event and not enough me!!!!! Me oh my!!!!
|
|
| Grrrrr |
[14 Feb 2006|12:02pm] |
family sux
having family sux!
dealing with family sux!
So why do we bother?
|
|
|
[03 Jan 2006|06:20am] |
Confukked beyond what is normal.... The ex was here and sick and allI could think of to help him was, if we throw him out the window maybe someone will call an ambulance
|
|
| Hi yes'm still alive |
[29 Dec 2005|10:08pm] |
|
Just postin cuz I'm alive..... The fire didn't do any damage , the firefighters did....... isnt that the way it always is tho?
|
|
|
[15 Dec 2005|07:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
dirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Creep - Radio head |
] |
So I finally came clean....
I've never felt dirtier in my life!
scary thing is, if I had just followed my own advice I'd be golden.
|
|
| oh the Joy |
[30 Aug 2005|08:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
I have finally gotten my phone back soo happy
so happy
soooo happy
|
|
| finally creative again |
[03 Jul 2005|10:46pm] |
|
Selling Out
Must have been a harder thing
To run, dance, play, and sing
All the while the world was turning
All the time your soul still burning
Set ablaze to be set free
Cut all binds, and just be
Who’s to say our time has come?
Who’s to say when work’s been done?
Some were given special gifts...
Some were only made to uplift…
To other spirits detriment
Things could not be circumvent
Actions have been set in motion
By a raw outburst of emotion
The child who lingers in the balance
Shall suffer no more and bring a balance
How many more shall become
Casualties of the fallout to come
If in peace we can’t be true
Then war it is this day you’ll rue
Dare you question my faith and trust?
When all that’s considered is your lust
Your crave your want and your desire
Must I burn within your fire?
If selling out means a happy face
A soul depleted without a trace
Kin in pain and with false smiles
For behind you they’d walk for miles
Then selling out it cannot be
This is my cruel reality
I will not allow another
To inflict what I once chose to endure
Even if I have to spend my life
Searching for this afflictions cure
People come and people go
Where we go we cannot know
The strength for this one cannot have
It takes an army and a half
If selling out, means we have peace
Then war it is and conversations cease
|
|
| Waaahh |
[27 Jun 2005|11:53pm] |
|
cant bring myself to write it's been forever...... But ohhh that evil blank page. Too much drama in my head. Noone wants me to divulge info. Bursting at seams. Can't think straight in a line. beginning to seriously believe that I just hate people. GRRRRRR
Waaaahh
|
|
| Grrrr men Suk, great men suk great ***** |
[24 Jun 2005|12:19am] |
So finally the Divorce seems to be going well. I feel almost like Ross on friends. 2 Divorces kinda, and still much with the drama. The exes are all alike. They seem to have formed a club and decided to make me the target for their insults and abuse. Grrrrrr..... I Wish that certain people would just evaporate and leave me with my kids. If I had my perfect happy ending I would move to a mound by Stonehenge and grow a pot field to be envied by all.Then my Silver Knight would ride up on his Black Stallion and sweep me off of my feet. Then we could shag all over the countryside on horseback. I know we wouldn't have kids 'cuz Ive been fixed. Life long Happily ever after. The only thing is that wouldn't be the end. See I have to find someone who is as much a living legend as myself you see. This would guarantee our immortality. The story would live on forever, and so would we in legend.
That is how I wish my story would go......
unfortunately I have to live with the fact that in keeping my anonymity, and accepting a name that hid my own for so long, I also have to live with the fact that no one person can truly know me. People will always remember the legend of those Bytches Alyssa Raven, Rhett (Retribution), Syn (syndara), and Pepsi. Who would ever really be able to know me with that kind of history
Grrrr men Suk, great men suk great *****
|
|
| Oh happy day |
[18 Jun 2005|08:48pm] |
|
I've just run back into a very adorable Brit boy who Adores me too. He's so sweet he has gotten my mind off of the maybe soon to be ex for over an hour now and I feel no guilt except for the fact that my nephew wont let me send him pics of my nakedness.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
syndara's journal